Well, it’s been about three years longer than any of us anticipated back in 2019. But finally, we can, with wild abandon, say “Slainté motherf***ers”, as our Channel 4 sitcom faves Derry Girls returned this week for their third – and sadly, final – series.
And so too, have our week-by-week reviews of the show. The first episode is titled “The Night Before”, so, with all the Red Bull backed energy of Clare cramming in her revision notes about the potato famine (chillax Clare, we all know the gist. They ran out of spuds and everyone was raging), let’s crack on…
The episode opens in typical Derry Girls fashion, with Erin lovingly narrating a VHS compiled montage of the gang in different landmarks of their fair city, as she talks about the summer of their lives and well, peace. That’s all there is to talk about in Derry. But it’s bluntly interrupted when suddenly her TV packs in, to which she blames James’ newly acquired camcorder on which most of the footage was shot.
Michelle’s quick to rebut this of course…
And she also basically trashes both James’ attempt at filmmaking and Erin’s attempt at a storyline, too…
None of this matters however, to Clare, who thinks they’re all ignoring the elephant in the room (except Orla, who is quite literally looking for one in Erin’s bedroom). For this is the night before the gang are due to receive their GCSE results. The school won’t take them back if they fail, you know.
Meanwhile, downstairs, as Ma Mary and Aunt Sarah look on at UTV Newsroom at admiration for Mo Mowlam (after all, if anyone’s gonna sort this conflict out, it’s likely to be a woman), Da Gerry bursts through the door, raging about Seamus. Who Seamus is, and what this has to do with the dead shrew on the doormat, is soon revealed…
With the gang having abandoned their plans for filmmaking glory, they head off to the local Video Village to go and rent a VHS to take round Michelle’s to watch for the evening. Her choice of film – Braveheart – is interesting, not least because of her reasoning behind it…
After then being yelled out of Video Village by – who else? – Dennis from the Wee Shop (They didn’t know he worked there. Michelle didn’t even think he had legs. He was asked less questions when he was interned), they run into Sister Michael for the first time all summer, who is on crutches. If they think that’s bad, then they should see the other fella.
She mentions something to the girls about enjoying their last moments of freedom that evening. Cue them all – but Clare mostly – freaking out about the fact that their results are likely to be so bad, their mas will all collectively kick their holes. It thus leads Orla to make a decision there and then…
It’s then that they decide to make haste to Our Lady Immaculate College under the cloak of darkness, for if Sister Michael has recieved and knows their results already, then it’s likely that they can find out 12 hours ahead of schedule by breaking in.
After James and Orla jimmying the lock like they do in the movies (with a Video Village card), they successfully enter the school – almost a little too successfully. They come across two characters who they assume are caretakers. They quickly establish what they’re here for. A netball practice. Of course. They forgot it wasn’t on this week.
James is still recording this gripping adventure with his camcorder, as the two men say that they’re moving some stuff for Sister Michael, which the girls are only too happy to oblige on helping them into their van with. After all, Michelle reckons one of them, Hans (as in Hans Christian Andersen, who his mother named him after) has a nice arse. (She gets a tip for her efforts).
Of course, as they wave them off, it quickly becomes apparent that those weren’t caretakers at all. Caretakers generally don’t move thousands of pounds worth of expensive computer equipment, after all. And cue the freak out…
They’re quickly then surrounded by police. And not just any old police. But RUC police. Bundled into their van, all five are immediately racked with concerns of being the next Guildford Four…
Meanwhile, back at the Quinns, another local animal has fallen prey to Seamus. This time, it is what appears to be Fluffy, the pet rabbit of the niece of their next door neighbour Jim. He’s clearly too much of a hazard now, is Seamus. After all, Jim’s got his eye on Da Gerry.
So both Da Gerry and Granda Joe end up driving out to a remote moor – possibly near Burt – to lay Fluffy to rest in a makeshift grave. No GIFs of this sadly, but Granda Joe’s sheer contempt at Gerry not putting his back into the digging was EVERYTHING.
Meanwhile, the girls find themselves at the RUC police station, where they are taken into a questioning room where they meet…
Yes. That is actual Hollywood film star Liam Neeson playing a chief investigator in Derry Girls. Lisa McGee has absolutely stepped up for this last series.
Erin protests their innocence for “the tape” (there is no tape) as he explains that there’s been reports of suspicious activity coming from the school, and begins questioning what they were doing there. They also say they can’t get hold of their headmistress, who is revealed to be…
They again profess their innocence and explain who the real culprit is. Michelle confirms that she could pick the arse of Hans out of a lineup. The inspector hopes it doesn’t come to that.
He then also explains that as they’re minors, that they need a parent or guardian to be present to ensure they can be safely released from questioning. Cue a fierce debate of heads. No one wants their mas involved. Especially not Orla’s. Her ma is just an extension of Erin’s ma.
It’s clear whoever comes to their aid will need to be pretty good at talking the wains out of this situation. Fortunately, Erin happens to know just who to call upon…
Well, if anyone was going to talk RUC police officers into submission, it would be Uncle Colm, wouldn’t it? On the condition that he never sets foot in the station again, the gang are finally released and make their way home.
But not before, like mother like daughter, Orla and Aunt Sarah respectively nearly rumble on what happened to both parties that evening…
GCSE results finally roll around the next morning, with – who else? – the sight of Jenny Joyce and her posse emerging from the results desk with delighted straight As. That, in Clare’s view just makes it worse.
Then again, Sister Michael shows genuine compassion…
However, they needn’t have worried after all – they open their envelopes to discover all five have passed with flying colours, even, to the great surprise of many, Orla, who, Sister Michael says, has a real gift for exams despite not being of this world…
At which point, a police officer pops his head round the door to say investigations into the burglary are almost complete, but he’s just come across a camcorder he found lying near the computer suite. He’s just gonna have a quick whizz through the footage to make sure there’s nothing untoward.
And we’ll leave Michelle to have the last word this episode…
It’s good to have them back, isn’t it?
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