Hello people, thirteen down and two to go as we move in Day 14 of #15Daysof30Lists, where I give you my lists of 30 favourite things every day in the run up to my 30th birthday which is now less than 48 hours away.
Any thoughts or comments on my choices – and what yours are – are most welcome, so leave them below Tweet me. I particularly would love to hear your input today because this list is sure to tickle your funny bones…
1. What’s pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.
2. Why did the sand blush? Because the sea weed.
3. Knock knock! Who’s there? Gopher. Gopher who? Gopher enough and I’ll tell you.
4. A man walks along the street, when he passes a fence. From the other side he can hear people shouting ‘Thirteen! Thirteen!’, so he takes a look through a gap in the fence to see what the fuss is about. He then gets a jet of water in his eye and the people on the other side of the fence shout ‘Fourteen! Fourteen!’
5. What do you call an Irish lady that goes commando? Erin go braless.
6. What does Paul Simon say before he has his morning coffee? Hello dark roast my old friend…
7. What do you call something that runs round and round getting angrier? A vicious circle.
8. What do you call a donkey with three legs? Wonkey.
9. A man walks down the street when he sees a removal person struggling with carrying a wardrobe into the house. So the man asks him if he needs help, and the removal person says ‘No it’s OK, my mate’s inside carrying the clothes’.
10. How did the lady get out of the well? She used the ladder in her tights.
11. A spoilt rich kid goes to see the dentist. ‘You need a crown,’ says the dentist. ‘I know, right?’ replies the spoilt rich kid.
12. Why did the furniture makers need to take a holiday? Because they had to look after their shelves.
13. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I had to take his bike away.
14. My boss told me to dress for the job I wanted. So I’m now in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
15. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey.
16. And the Lord said to John, ‘Come forth, and you will recieve eternal life’. But he came fifth, so he won a sandwich maker.
17. ‘Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around my head!’ – ‘Don’t worry, it’s just a bug going around.’
18. What goes up when rain falls down? An umbrella.
19. A perfectionist walked into a bar, but the bar wasn’t set high enough, so he left.
20. Three robbers got sent to prison for stealing Swiss watches. At least they’ll know how much time they’ll have to the nearest second.
21. I recently sold my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.
22. How do you stop crying when chopping onions? Don’t form an emotional bond.
23. Why did the bank close down? Because there wasn’t enough interest.
24. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
25. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
26. Comic Sans MS and Helvetica walk into a bar. “Get out,” says the bartender, “we don’t serve your type!”
27. A man approaches an attractive woman at his house party. He tells her “I could watch you till the cows come home.” Suddenly, from behind him he hears “We’re home!”. It was the cows.
28. I spilled my Scrabble board across the pavement the other day. A passer by said “What’s the word on the street?”
29. What do you call a topless golfer? Tee off.
30. There’s a new restaurant opened up in town called Karma. There’s no menu, you get served what you deserve.